A Thin Line

I have to come clean about something. When I was in my teens I had an eating disorder. I was officially diagnosed with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I didn't fit into the categories of the typical, common eating disorders, because I was too overweight. My behavior was a combination of bulimia and anorexia. I would go days without eating (the longest was a whole week), and then on the days when I actually would eat something, I was compelled to throw it up. Eating disorders have a strange way of making you feel like you're in control, when in reality, you have no control at all, and you're lost in your own pain.
This was years ago, and I really thought I left it all behind me, in my past. I think I might have been mistaken about that though. It seems like ever since having the gastric bypass, and now the plastic surgery, I have been obsessing over how I look, and the numbers on the scale. I haven't eaten anything today, and its a little after 5pm. I know that this isnt right. I would NEVER EVER advise anyone else to go down this road, because it can only lead to bad things, and yet for some reason now, I seem powerless to stop myself.
Truth be told, I only want to lose about 20lbs, but realistically I know that if I do lose those 20lbs, it still wont be good enough, and I will always want to lose more. I dont think I will ever be satisfied. I cant talk myself into losing it sensibly either, through healthy diet and exercise, because I am -and always have been- an "instant results" type of person. I dont know how to stay on the middle ground for very long, and I guess that was one of the reasons why gastric bypass was so appealing to me initially... I knew it would produce immediate results.
I wish I could change my way of thinking. I wish I could be satisfied with "slow and steady," but I dont know how to be.
This is quite possibly be the hardest post that I have ever had to write, or will ever have to write for that matter, but I have to get it out. I have always been such a competitive person, in every aspect of my life, but competing with yourself can only lead to danger. Logically I know this.
I wish I could reach out to someone in my life, and let them know how I'm feeling, and whats going on with me. I wont even bother telling my husband, because I know, that as supportive, and caring as he can be, he will just look at me and tell me "well, then you need to stop, its your choice, and if you cant, then I cant help you." Most people, dont realize that its not as simple as that for someone with an eating issue. I don't even know how to help myself, so I cant realistically expect those in my life to know either.
The only person that I could tell would be maybe my plastic surgeon, he might be able to help me. I wont do it though, because I still want some work done. I need my arms and chest done, and I have a feeling that if I tell him how all of this is impacting me, he wont be willing to do my future operations. I wouldn't blame him either... I cant say that I would want to do something to trigger someones unhealthy habits either.
I didn't write this for anyone to feel back for me, honestly I don't even know why I wrote this. Maybe the anonymity of the cyber world feels safe. Regardless of why I'm writing this, I want to let anyone who might be reading this, who has also suffered with an eating disorder in their past, and is considering weight loss surgery now, to PLEASE think long and hard about that decision, and how it will impact them emotionally. This was something I wasn't too prepared for. I didn't want this to resurface, and I honestly thought it never would, so I'm urging you to be more prepared than I was.